A lot of people got off the boat and a lot less got on in Nuremberg and apart from Cuz1, Cuz2, the CB and me, most of our shipmates are now single women or men with walking impediments. The single women are not reflective of a Contiki tour, I might add. They are more your “grab a granny” at the local disco. Actually, that’s a real stretch as well. But some of them drink a lot and laugh a lot – enough said.

There’s something fundamentally different about the south of Germany compared with the north. It took me a while to put my finger on it and the hot weather should have provided a clue. The CB and I have been to northern Germany and I have previously commented on the plethora of windmills littering the landscape like so much sewerage in a mediaeval river. Down here there aren’t anywhere near as many. A good start. But thousands of acres of perfectly good farming land are coated with environmentally poisonous solar panels. We’ve heard tour guides say old (very old in many cases) buildings had to be protected from acid rain and the Danube flooding Passau in 2013 was due to global warming therefore renewable energy blah blah blah and it’s probably Trump’s fault. I didn’t have the heart to ask him what caused the even bigger flood in 1501. Anyway we won’t go down that well worn path until next time.

Unfortunately the Danube River is about 3 metres below where it usually is (and about 16 metres below where it was in 1501) so none of the river boats or cargo barges are running in the Passau / Vienna region. There are 120 stuck at one end and 140 at the other end so we are coaching it to Vienna then on to Budapest. Obviously global warming hasn’t been as bad this year as it was in 2013 if you consider rain to be the key. If sunshine is the key it’s climate change not global warming and this year has been worse than 2013, I think (couldn’t help myself). No point complaining and Saga, the travel company, has done a sterling job re-jigging the itinerary.

It wasn’t what we signed up for but Vienna and Budapest are the last two stops and the highlights of the trip for all four of us. Not everyone feels the same however. Remember the opening line of Monty Python’s Parrot Sketch – one of the most iconic comedy routines in history – “I wish to register a complaint”? Well some people can’t help themselves and if the Parrot Sketch was written today it would be a public service broadcast.

The other unfortunate thing about missing the last four or five days of cruising is that it was to be through the best scenery – the bits they show on the TV ads where fairy tale castles are perched on Madonna’s bra – shaped mountains. Again, Saga has compensated for this by driving us through or to the towns we would have sailed through. So we got to have lunch next to what’s left of the castle Richard the Lionheart was locked up in in 1192 in Durnstein. He would have had a great view through his dungeon slit though.

After an uneventful trip back to Manchester – well uneventful to the extent we only got lost once – we set off for the first day on our river cruise, the main reason we are over here.

Day one was not promising. The travel company wanted to pick us up at 6.27 am for a 10 minute ride to the airport and an 11.10am flight. Not bloody likely. Sitting around airports is bad enough without having to spend an extra two hours in one. But the airports did get even with us because our connecting flight from Amsterdam to Zurich was delayed by two hours. Such is life.

As seems to be the case whenever we go on a cruise, the CB and I are amongst the youngest on board. I know we’re not the youngest on this one because my cousin (Cuz1) and cousin-in-law (Cuz2) are with us. As we approach the Black Forest for our first excursion, and this is going to sound rather mean-spirited, I look around the bus and there are as many chins on chests as there are socks and sandals and walking implements.

But us youngsters stick together and relax together which is the main reason we are here. And what options do you have to relax on a boat – round the pool or in a bar. That’s a no-brainer for someone with my complexion and I have to say Cuz1 is a prodigious beer drinker even if he is universally acknowledged as the most impractical man in the world. Still you don’t have to be able to bang in a nail if you can successfully prosecute a court case while throwing down a pint of lager.

Speaking of bars, we went to the boat bar last night and stumbled on a quiz night. We weren’t going to participate but Cuz2’s competitive juices began to flow when we knew the answer to the first question, so we were in. A commendable equal second place finish was probably as good as could be expected considering the opposition. Let’s face it, some of them are useless on hilly, cobbled streets with their hip replacements and walking sticks but anything that happened in the 20th century, most of them had read about it in the newspaper. Another early night sacrificed on the Bacchanalian altar.

Yesterday we did our own thing in Strasbourg rather than go on a guided tour. Strasbourg is in France but very close to the German border and through history has alternated between the two countries so the people behave like surly waiters but are really, really efficient. It’s a beautiful city spoilt by two things – the EU parliament and graffiti. Graffiti is ubiquitous (as is the EU in E) which goes to show, there are idiots everywhere (including in the EU parliament which is no different to any other) and they’re worse in this part of the world because they are spraying centuries old buildings. At least our graffiti vandals in Australia have the good grace to paint the outside of moving trains and occasionally fall off.

Notwithstanding the obvious draw-back of graffiti, European history is front and centre almost everywhere. Also, wherever you go in the world where there is any degree of tourist interest, the Chinese are there in numbers. So a visit to the Renaissance era (although it was started in the 13th century) Heidelberg Castle was like watching a Chinese progressive dinner as they rushed from one stop to the next. I was reminded of the old saying, “if it’s Wednesday, this must be Belgium”. But if you consider that a few years ago Heidelberg was visited by 3 million tourists a year and it’s now 11 million a year, the Chinese are doing an excellent job of redistributing wealth which is what you would expect from a good communist / capitalist people.