I may have already mentioned that in the event of my actually writing a book about travel, I already have a title for said book. It took 11 years of regular international travel to come up with it so as you would expect it’s a doozy – one Dickens, Hemingway and Steinbeck (Jason, Barry and Daryl respectively) would be proud of. I was sitting in a taxi with a colleague in Seoul one day and I said to him “You know, there are no yellow cars in Korea” and he spent the next two days trying to find one. And thus a title was born. Of course the stodgy, conservative and superstitious Koreans have loosened up considerably in the years since, what with the threat of nuclear annihilation hanging over their heads. So now you do occasionally see a yellow car……. in a crumpled mess wrapped round a light pole. Actually, to be fair, the “stodgy” Koreans will entertain you to within an inch of your life given half a chance but when it comes to automobile paint strips, they’re Oliver Cromwell.
We all do this when we travel. That is, spot the most obscure differences between our homes and our destinations. Here’s one for you. On a hot summer’s afternoon especially down by the beach you will notice (so I’ve been told) that many young women forget to don a certain item of undergarmentry worn mostly on the frontal part of the torso, north of the bellybutton and south of the chin. Don’t even bother looking for this particular fashion quirk in Japan.
And while on the subject of Japanese fashion, every Japanese male wears a dark blue suit from Monday to Friday. Of course he makes up for it on the weekend and on vacation in the most emphatic way. Witness the garb worn on the golf course and you will be looking at a gaggle of golfers who steadfastly ignore their exasperated wives’ advice on colour and pattern coordination.
We also look for the occasional reassurance. Some destinations go out of their way to accommodate this – fish and chip shops and Boddington’s beer in Torremolinos for the tastefully discerning British tourist for example. In strange or unfamiliar places we appreciate that reassurance. That’s why many people like to travel in pairs or groups so even in the most unfamiliar or hostile of environments we can look at the person standing next to us and think “I can run faster than you if the shit hits the fan”.
We westerners shouldn’t demonstrate our insensitivity to the mysteries of especially the east without pointing out that Australia, for all its banality can be idiosyncratic and mysterious as well. Why, for instance, do we walk into polling booths with our eyes wide open and vote for idiots. Basically because notwithstanding the open eyes, we have our thumb in our bum and our mind in neutral and on reflection, we’re not alone in this regard. And why are there no taxis after 10.00pm? As I have previously mentioned, in Hong Kong, if you close your eyes and step out into Nathan Road at any time of day or night, you’ll be hit by a taxi (or occasionally by a Rolls Royce).
The child bride and I lived in Tasmania for three years. Tasmania is about as big as the park I can see across the road from where I am writing this. Yet Tasmanians wouldn’t travel as far on their holidays as we would to the shops. There were people on the west coast who had never been to the east coast. If it wasn’t for a hilly bit in the middle and a few big trees you could see the west side from the east side. Yes, many people crave familiarity and are terrified of losing it although Tasmanians do have an excuse for not seeking out new and interesting places. Many of them think the world ends at Bass Strait.
Travel
Status Quo
Driving from Brisbane to the Gold Coast hardly qualifies as travelling but if it’s to see one of the greatest rock and roll bands of all time – Status Quo – on possibly their last tour, and certainly last in one regard which I’ll cover below, then I’m prepared to extend the definition. Besides, they came all the way from England so to drive an hour or so to see them seemed only fair. Incidentally, while sitting at our hundredth or so red light I was beginning to think this was not such a good idea. There are more red lights on the Gold Coast than the Reeperbahn, Kings Cross, the Rossebuurt, Roppongi, Patpong and the White House (during the Clinton era) combined. You’ll have to look those places up if they don’t all ring a bell. I’ve been in the same city as all of them except the White House. That’s how I knew.
The concert was held last night at the Star Hotel and Casino at Broadbeach on the Goldie and what an eclectic crowd that place attracts. Everyone from fake ID’d teenagers with their arses hanging out of the shortest of tight, short skirts to 90 year old Chinese grannies. Of course being a casino, the gambling obsessed Chinese are ubiquitous. The crowd that filtered out of the casino and into the theatre to see the Quo were more akin to an Australian Conservatives gathering (in appearance) although I don’t think the average Australian Conservatives crowd would know all of the words to Status Quo’s extensive back catalogue. There were a few outliers with grey ponytails, some sported by women, but since Francis Rossi cut his off a few years back it seemed like a rather superfluous gesture. And there were a few kids who’d been dragged along by their parents (or grandparents) as we had been known to do with ours some (many) years back.
There are some fundamental differences between a Quo/Stones/Eagles (our last three concerts) crowd and a Taylor Swift (for example) crowd, not least minor things like age, fashion, size (individual as opposed to collective) and willingness to pay exorbitant amounts of money for tickets although to be fair, that only applied to the Stones and the Eagles. But one thing is quite similar I assume, although not having ever been to a social media fuelled, hormone busting, like, best everrrr Justin Bieber concert I can’t be certain. Youngsters can be quite rude because many have not been schooled properly in common courtesies and oldsters can be quite rude because “I paid a bloody fortune for this ticket so I’ll come and go as I bloody well please…and spill beer on the person in the row in front as I squeeze past in the dark”. The young country singer who opened for Status Quo was very adept at embarrassing the latecomers, much to the amusement of the more polite section of the crowd. Take a bow Travis Collins.
The show was called “Last Night of the Electrics”. After this tour is finished it’s acoustic or aquostic as they call it, from then on. Not surprising really when you consider the number of shows they do and have done over the years (more than most) and the volume at which they perform. Their ears (certainly Rossi’s) must be mush. Just on the noise thing, the child bride and I saw them in 1976 at Brisbane’s now demolished Festival Hall. We were six rows from the front and my ears were still ringing when we took our seats last night, 41 years later. If Spinal Tap’s amplifiers go up to 11 then Quo’s go up to 12. Having said that, last night’s show was loud but manageable in the aural department but we were two rows further back in row 8 so that may have been why it didn’t seem as loud as in 1976.
Rather than “Last Night of the Electrics” I would have called it “Still Having a Bloody Good Time”. If I could magically transform my very modest musical ability into something a bit more respectable, to the extent that I could hold my own in a top echelon band, I’d want to be in this one. Of course I’ve said that every time we’ve seen the Eagles (five times) but that’s more from a technical excellence perspective than a fun perspective. I also thought it would be a hoot to be in Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers but now that Tom has left the building, it would hardly seem the same. No, when a bunch of musicians laugh at each other and take the piss when they (rarely) make a mistake that we mostly don’t even notice and then let the crowd in on the joke, that’s the band for me. None of this hunched over the instruments, terminally serious Radiohead bullshit for me. Or Eric Clapton demonstrating virtuoso capability but not uttering a word other than “thankyou” or cracking a smile for a whole concert.
I love that there’s no preaching and no sentimentality with these guys. There’s certainly banter and audience interaction but no preachy social justice warrior hypocrisy and promotion of pet causes. There can’t be too many diseases or inequalities left that don’t have some second rate celebrity’s name attached to them. There wasn’t even a mention of Rick Parfitt. Some bands would have put a telecaster on a stand in the corner or a cardboard cut-out or some such tribute on the stage. But they didn’t. But I reckon Francis did his own little tribute. At one point everyone else left the stage, even the drummer and Francis played the intro to a song on his own in semi darkness, a song Rick used to intro. Maybe I’m wrong – doesn’t matter because it works for me.
One more difference between 1976 and 2017. Back then, as soon as they started to play everyone stood up. Not such a big deal when you’re six rows from the front but when everyone in front of you stands on their chairs you have to follow suit. The cute but diminutive child bride was not impressed. Now, we (the typical Status Quo audience) prefer to stay sitting down. Some did get up and dance and good luck to them as long as they don’t dance in front of me. The girls with their Stevie Nicks hair-dos wave their arms around and blokes do Dad dances and think they’re cool. Even I know they aren’t. But as long as I have an uninterrupted view of the stage go ahead and act like a dork.
We got to the second and last song of the encore before the All Blacks front row immediately in front of us stood up. I thought the concert was over because it went dark all of a sudden but I could still hear muffled music, like it was coming from a radio in an adjoining room such was the totality of the wall erected in front of us. I looked at the woman sitting next to me (not the CB, the other side) and we shrugged our shoulders and stood up – what else could we do. No amount of “DOWN IN FRONT” which usually works at the cricket and football, was going to work here.
Brilliant show. That’s another tick on the bucket list.
Sniffing the Wind
There are some things we just don’t talk about but are so natural and in some cases, confronting, you have to wonder why (because they’re confronting I guess). For example toilet breaks are never written into the script in American films whereas the Europeans love them. Like Kim Jong Un, Hollywood’s elite don’t excrete – neat slogan eh? Well at least most of them think their shit doesn’t stink which gets me to the topic of the day which I will approach in my usual roundabout way.
If you’re in a frequent flyer program, you’ll know how airlines send you those “Help us to help you” forms to fill out or direct you to the profile page on the website. This is so we can tell them we like opera of polo or flower arranging. Why, I’m not sure. My boss did get invited to a golf tournament once by an airline but that’s the only time in 30 years of travel I’ve heard of anything like that happening. And it was about 30 years ago. If an airline is thinking of slinging one my way, can I go to the Superbowl? Cheers.
In said profile, I always put that I want an aisle seat on the lower deck (for double decker planes you understand). But all airlines number their seats differently so unless you ask at check in, you don’t necessarily know where you’re sitting until you get there. Why don’t I ask? Because I bloody forget.
So I’m in 11H which is an aisle seat (woo hoo) but upper deck and right at the front against the bulkhead. That’s right the front row is row 11. I had to get up at 4.15am to get down to Sydney to catch this plane to Singapore so I’m grumpy. And then there’s the smell, which brings us back to where we started.
Smells on planes can be lumped (or wafted) into two groups – those you make and those others make. They can also be ranked according to desirability. At one extreme we have smoke, for obvious reasons and at the other extreme is the alluring scent a Singapore Girl leaves as she floats by. Personal odours are way down at the smoke end.
I once heard English doctor/writer/actor/comic/etc Jonathan Miller being interviewed and he commented on the propensity for air travel to make him fart and the “fact” that that they were “strangely odourless” (his comment). This puzzled me for many years because (1) he’s a medical doctor (2) he’s wrong and (3) assuming the first two assertions are correct, why can’t he smell his own farts. I’m also assuming all olfactory components are present and accounted for.
Anyone who has travelled at least a few times will be aware of that situation when someone drops one and there is nowhere to hide. Fortunately it doesn’t last as long as if you are in a closed room or heaven forbid, in a lift. This is because the air-conditioning in an aeroplane is strong enough to suck the dermis (that’s your second layer of skin) out through your pores.
Having pondered this riddle for many years and refused to ask for expert advice (I don’t ask for directions either), I decided it was because air is pumped into the cabin at the top and sucked out through vents at floor level. This means any olfactory nastiness emanating from the trouser region has to battle against the wind (excuse the pun) to get as high as your nose. But God help your feet.
This theory prevailed in my mind until on one subsequent trip I accidentally listened to the safety demonstration. Apparently a row of floor lights will guide you to an exit if someone in first class has accidentally set his polyester track-suit on fire and the plane has filled with smoke. You hit the floor and as the kids’ saying goes “get down low and go go go”. So much for the theory because this scenario assumes the smoke is being sucked up not down. Of course it’s only relevant in the event of a tracksuit mishap while on the ground. If you’re more than a few metres off the ground and it’s anything other than a smouldering tracksuit, forget it.
So why don’t Jonathan Miller’s farts smell. I have no idea. Maybe he only eats rose petals.
We are now going to leave smells and get onto toilets (another execrable pun which is also almost a pun itself). And if we go right back to the start, this was the original rationale for writing this piece. So let’s cut to the cheese, sorry chase. (I’m on a roll).
Seat 11C isn’t so bad except for what I’ve already said and for one other thing. The convenience is about a foot away from my feet. There is a flimsy inch thick wall between us but it’s not enough to disguise the whoosh which sweeps from the little room immediately in front of me then under my seat (below the floor – this is Singapore Airlines after all) to who knows where.
At the start of the flight it whooshed three times over a few minutes and no one emerged. Funny what you notice isn’t it? But something else slowly emerged and then they wheeled out the brunch trolley. The eggs thought it was their birthday. Harmonizing sulphurous fumes everywhere. Eventually the person who had been sitting (presumably) immediately in front of me barrelled through the door and hastily resumed his seat, having despatched….no no no, we’re not going there.
But some things are indelibly seared into your brain, never to be expunged. And one of them is pushing open an unlocked toilet door only to see a lady who forgot to lock said door squatting on the seat. Needless to say, having a complete stranger barging in on what is generally a most private moment is a reason for considerable dismay and apparently a justification for peeing on the floor. One needs to be very light on one’s feet in this circumstance.
So the upshot is, if I’m unfortunate enough to get a seat next to the khasi and someone steps through that door, I shut my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, thumbs up my nose and think of England.
Addendum to Following the Wine Traders
Well, this will be the last journal entry for this trip before we fly home tomorrow. We’re now in London again and have just had our first pub lunch. We were here for 3 days 3 weeks ago but it was the 3 days leading up to the friendly between England and Scotland at Wembley. The pubs were full of blokes in skirts speaking a foreign language and Trafalgar Square was turned into a massive beer garden so actually getting through the door of a pub during those three days was somewhat problematic. Anyway, we cracked it today.
Just had a nice relaxing three days in Switzerland, starting in Zurich and then 2 days in Geneva. I have never seen so much conspicuous wealth as in that place. Plenty of Rolls Royces and Ferraris with various Arabic (the most common language we heard while there) number plates. In Hong Kong, if you close your eyes and step out into the road you’ll either be hit by a Rolls Royce or by a taxi. Here it would be somewhat similar except for the taxis.
The train trip from Zurich to Geneva was nice. I didn’t realise that all of the open spaces in Switzerland have been mowed. The whole place looks like a park. And the train trip reinforced something I have come to firmly believe since being here. For the best part of 3 hours, all the way from Zurich to Geneva, two young women across the aisle from us talked….and talked….and talked. In fact they did not shut their yaps for more than 5 seconds the whole way. It reminded me of when we were here 3 weeks ago and were queuing for the London Dungeons. We had to queue for about 40 minutes and two teenage girls behind us did not shut up for one second of that time. Two blokes can sit in quiet contemplation for hours without feeling the urgent need to communicate other than telepathically. Two or more women can’t….at all….ever. But if the word “like” was excised from the English language, 30 million women under the age of 30 would be immediately struck dumb. Do us all (as in us blokes) a favour girls and just STFU occasionally.
It’s been a fantastic three weeks with only one thing left to do before we head home tomorrow. We are having dinner tonight with a good friend and her partner. She works for the same company I work for and he is Welsh so they’ve been over here frightening his relatives in the villages.
It just remains now to get home and see if the cats have eaten each other. We didn’t leave them to their own devices – they are being supervised so, you know, ignore the eating each other bit.
Following the Wine Traders – Part 4
Just about to leave Seville for Madrid then Zurich tonight. Got off the boat yesterday morning and headed into town to a hotel for an extra day here.
Seville is a magnificent city with all of the monuments you expect from an old city. It also has some relatively new ones including all of the pavilions built for the 1929 and 1992 World Expos. The 1929 Spanish Pavilion is incredible. For a start it’s huge but the attention to detail has to be seen to be believed but then that’s a fairly common trait from Roman times through the Dark and Middle Ages and the Renaissance right up to a few years ago when we were introduced to the joys of graffiti and “just in time” buildings (building unions notwithstanding) with lots of glass and straight lines. Gone are the days when an artisan spent most of his life chiselling out a few statues on behalf of the church. Religions should go back to doing this instead of running political campaigns. By now you will have realised that I tend to stray into these philosophical and political discussions when there is not a lot else to report.
The Spanish Pavilion has been used in 52 movies including Lawrence of Arabia and, believe it or not, the 5th Star Wars movie. It was also used for the old Clint Eastwood / Sergio Leone spaghetti westerns which were filmed in Spain because there is a desert nearby – in the middle of Spain.
One interesting thing I almost forgot is that we passed through a lock on the river outside Seville. Was a bit of a damp squib actually because the river levels were almost the same either side. I didn’t notice any change but someone told me it was about a foot. We then turned around as the river narrowed and reversed up the river to the dock. That was interesting. I guess it’s easier to drive straight out with a full load.
Just before the lock we passed through a lot of rice fields which were being crop dusted by a gang of John Belushi’s it seemed. How they didn’t prang into each other is beyond me. Maybe they do, they just didn’t do it while we were trundling past. One of these clowns actually buzzed the ship. I was sitting on our balcony and this plane was coming straight at me. We were very close to the back and this plane went past us level with me and metres from the back of the boat. And he dipped his wings a couple of times as he went past. In Australia they’d have had the airforce after him (do we still have one or did Rudd sell it?). In Spain – mañana.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness this post has become but I keep thinking of things.
We are in the cruise company club and they had a club cocktail party a few nights ago which was basically an advertising opportunity. They presented an award to the most frequent cruisers – two blokes who have done 38 cruises and were two of the 100 or so (out of about 600 total) who stayed on the boat for the next leg to Rome. Considering the line has only been around since 2001, that’s pretty impressive. One of them must have invented something for them to have the time and money to do that.
That’s the end of our Southampton/Seville journey. More countries and things crossed off the bucket list with many more still to go and a determination to not let other things stand in the way. I’ll regale you with tales of later cruises….later.
Cheers
Following the Wine Traders – Part 3
Well, we’ve just left Lisbon and are on our way to the last stop (Seville) of this cruise. We did an organised tour yesterday then walked up to the Castle of St George this morning. There is a Portuguese version of this name which I will get wrong if I try to write it – I could go back to the room and get a brochure but I’m writing this in a bar so you get the English version. The castle like most of them round the world, is on a hill and it’s not a small or gently sloping hill so we certainly got our exercise today. And the streets can be as narrow as one person – easy to defend but rubbish in an earthquake and they had the mother of all earthquakes in 1755 which destroyed two thirds of the city and killed 60000 people. Anyway, the castle was well worth the visit. Been there since the mid 11th century although archaeologists have found evidence on the site of people from the Iron Age – 700 BC.
Last night was White Night, a typical cruisey thing – everyone wears something white (lucky I bought that t-shirt in St Jean de Luz) and eventually gets whipped into an all singing, all dancing frenzy by the manic cruise director. It wasn’t bad actually in a, how shall I put this, “gay” sort of way. Amazing what you’ll do with a skin-full so there we were doing all the arm movements for YMCA and I Will Survive and singing along to Ricky Martin songs (I was miming – don’t know any Ricky Martin songs apart from “Doing the something something”…promise). Would have preferred to be on the stage than in front of it. They got together all of the musicians who perform in various parts of the ship and all of the singers and went for it and I have to say they were very good – great musicians and great singers. So even though I would have preferred to be on the stage, I wouldn’t have qualified.
I have to tell you about Captain Johannes (not really Captain Stubbing for all of you under the age of 40). He is Norwegian. We’ve all heard of the wacky Swedes and their riotous sense of humour. Well if this guy is representative of their culture, the Norwegian police force must be run by the Keystone Cops, Billy Connolly is the Minister for Culture and making whoopee cushions is the Norwegian version of Ikea. When we left port today he came on the intercom and said “Good afternoon everybody, this is your designated driver here. As we leave, the ship will be under the control of –insert female name because I forgot – our apprentice officer. It’s her first time to do this so we have painted a large red L on the back of the ship to warn other ships in the area”. And then 20 minutes later when we had to stop and flush all of the jelly fish out of the cooling water intakes (to stop the engines overheating) he came on and said, “- insert female name because I forgot – has asked me to tell you it wasn’t her fault that we had to stop”.
And now I can’t get that bloody Ricky Martin song out of my head.
Until the next instalment,
Following the Wine Traders – Part 2
Greetings once again from the Love Boat or the SS Startled Face.
We left Bilbao yesterday and on our way out of the harbour Captain Stubbing advised us that the swell was going to get increasingly stronger on our way to Lisbon. Consequently I woke up at about 3.00am this morning gripping the mattress and trying not to fall out of bed. This was not another “bench” episode as I’d been asleep for hours – promise. In fact yesterday was a pretty easy day. Couple of wines at lunch time, couple of beers in the afternoon, couple of gin and tonics with dinner and a couple of scotches before bed. Pretty much an alcohol – free day really.
Something we learnt when we were in St Jean De Luz is that they are famous as fisherman, having hunted whales in the 17th and 18th century as far away as Newfoundland. But they were also famous as pirates. Apparently the French king was happy to give them privateer status in return for 50% of the booty. And they attacked British ships. They never told us that in the history books. It was all Sir Walter Raleigh and Sir Francis Drake and how useless the Spanish and French were. But then again, they may have been lying.
Bilbao was a revelation. As some of you may not have heard of it, it’s in Spanish Basque Country, not far from the French border and was famous for producing steel. It is now a haven for architects. You’ll see some incredible buildings in amongst the obligatory history and 12th century cathedral. And it has a Guggenheim Museum which is magnificent. There are three Guggenheim Museums in New York, Venice and…….Bilbao (???).
So the city’s done a good job creating new industries as steel went backwards and their unemployment rate is significantly lower than the rest of the country. Notwithstanding we did see a number of now obligatory (in Europe) wind turbines at the end of the harbour – monstrosities that need subsidies of $500,000 per job in the renewable energy field and destroy another 5 jobs along the way. They put billions into this at the behest of the greenies so no wonder Spain is an economic basket case. Enough of the rants.
After we turned left and headed down the Portuguese coast to Lisbon the swell got to 15 ft. But it was going in our direction so we could to surf the last 300 miles.
This is our second and last full day at sea out of 12. The great thing about these cruises is that you stop almost every day but a day to chill after a lot of walking and happy snapping is welcome. Also, I’ve had a chance to scope out the clientele and have concluded there are no gangs of geriatric Man U or Millwall supporters on board so I am proudly wearing the Manchester City shirt I purchased at the City shop in Manchester. And I found out their official nickname is actually The Citizens and not The Blues. You wanted to know that didn’t you.
It’s now 2.30pm which is almost beer time.
Back soon.
Following the Wine Traders – Part 1
The first of a series describing a trip from Southampton to Seville by boat.
I’ve had two attempts at starting this missive except this time its daylight and the rum bottle is now empty. Part of the deal on this ship is that you get some free bottles of booze. I’ll start on the scotch tonight and the vodka later. The gin probably won’t figure unless I can locate some tonic.
I am looking out over the bay in St Jean de Luz. It’s a beautiful spot just down the road from famous playground, Biarritz. We’re in Basque country which isn’t a country as such (try telling the Basques that and see how far you get) and neither is it France or Spain (technically we are in France) according to them. I’m sitting on our “suite’s” (this ship doesn’t have “cabins”) balcony back at the ship after a trip up La Rhune (you’ll have to look it up) this morning. The two things to note about this place are that it’s high so you can almost see the coast through the haze and you can stand with one foot in Spain and one foot in France. Technically, there are a few hundred kilometres of border where you can do this but the photos in this spot are rather spectacular (apart from the aforementioned haze).
We got on the boat on Friday in Southampton after a great couple of days with relatives in various parts of north west England. First stop was Guernsey where we met up with more relatives who knew the lay of the land. Actually, all they really needed to do was point us at a decent restaurant with a spectacular outlook and they achieved that admirably. We had a long boozy lunch after about five minutes of sightseeing. Laughed ourselves stupid, some of it at my expense as I had fallen backwards off a bench (thinking it was a chair….no really) the previous night on the boat. This sent the staff into a blind panic because I don’t think they had lost a guest for weeks.
Incidentally, with all of these family reunions I’m reminded of our family get-togethers in Brisbane. Can’t imagine what it would be like with all of them together in the same place at the same time. Near death experience I expect and we’d certainly need a much, much bigger fridge.
We did Bordeaux earlier in the week (after Guernsey and before St Jean de Luz) and went to four or five wineries. I have new found respect for French red wines which I had previously considered somewhat insipid – red cordial without the impact. Either I was drinking the wrong ones or the “complexity” was beyond my primitive palate but this new found respect will be reinforced regularly from now on. We saw an olive tree at Chateau Pape Clemente that was planted in the year 206 (that’s not a typo). This is what we love about Europe. As the name suggests this winery was owned by a pope – Clement the 4th (or 5th) in the early 1600’s. Catholics drink – who knew?
The child bride and I had a go collectively, at ordering lunch in French while in St Jean de Luz. It was good. I had fried rubber and mashed gravel and Jan had seaweed ice cream and a piece of wood. We tried ( and failed) to find a restaurant with an English menu (and this is a tourist Mecca) and only managed to find a book on the area written in English as we were walking back to the boat, having looked unsuccessfully for two days. The French determination to make French the universal language continues apace.
When the CB finishes washing the salt out of here hair we’ll need to make a crucial decision – which bar to go to. Life’s tough.
Security Schmecurity
I’ve often wondered why some airlines get security to check passports at the boarding gate and some don’t. Do those that do think we bluffed our way through immigration? Do they think that having got into the airport and therefore out of the country I’m going to sell my passport to some homeless person or criminal who resides in the airport and must also have bluffed their way in? Maybe some passports expire between checking in and boarding the flight although that’s a seriously long connection time.
So not only do some places make it difficult to leave (although I think multiple passport checks may have more to do with where you’re going rather than where you’ve been) I have actually seen people trying to negotiate their way into a country. I saw a family of Sikhs in animated discussion with an Indian immigration desk official one night – much arm waving, finger wagging and raising of voices on both sides. They were carrying non-Indian passports but had apparently overlooked the requirement to spend some money on an entry visa. How they got that far I’ll never know as the conclusion of the saga was played out in a room elsewhere in the airport. But as I was standing behind them in the queue I got chapter and verse of the first stage of the negotiation.
And a longer than normal trip through officialdom.
While on the subject of security, have you ever checked in, gone through immigration and customs, discovered you haven’t put a baggage tag on your hand-carry which must be stamped at the gate before you can board (very officious I know but such are the ways of some countries) and returned to get one? Remember, you have left the country once through immigration. I had occasion to do this once so walked back through customs and immigration to the check-in desk, got a baggage tag and walked back through immigration and customs completely unmolested. Unbelievable. I suspect things have tightened up a tad since then.
In a similar vein, a few years ago I worked for a large Brazilian company and so was required to visit head office in Rio de Janeiro occasionally. Now travelling in and out of South America is a challenge at the best of times and requires patience to accommodate long flight delays, agility when required to consider all available options and put together an alternative itinerary on the run and deep (corporate) pockets to take advantage of any of those available options.
I sat on the Rio tarmac (actually in the plane which was stationary on the tarmac) for about 4 hours once while the flight crew tried to get someone to fix the plane’s weather radar. It was late at night and no one came so I missed my connection in Buenos Aires and resigned myself to another night in Rio. The ground crew off-loaded us and escorted us through the dark and deserted terminal, back past the unoccupied immigration and customs desks and out to the front of the terminal where buses were arranged to take us to hotels. We, the passengers (and crew, I guess) had left the country earlier that day and were still officially outside the country when we came back in late that evening. Mañana.
You’d think in the circumstances that there would have been fairly stringent controls on our whereabouts and some rather definite arrangements for our return to the airport and escorting back out of the country. But no, not the case. Without some rather stern discussions with the desk clerk in our hotel (which was about as far away from the airport as it’s possible to be and still be in Rio city – western part of Barra if you know the place), resulting in some phone calls to the airline to remind them to send transportation for the 15 or so people from the flight in that hotel, we may have been there a bit longer.
We arrived back at the airport with not much time to spare but with no one to meet us so we approached the check-in counter and the clerk waved us through a gate which bypassed the formalities and we were back airside in no time. Easy as that. It’s harder to get through Mount Isa airport in outback Queensland.
So when I hear of airport security snafu’s, am I surprised? No, actually.
Getting the Bump
Have you ever been bumped? Not like being bumped when someone walks into you although in this day and age there are too many people who walk around staring at their phones and rely on the few of us who don’t to avoid walking into them. I’ll let you in on a secret – occasionally I do. Walk into them, that is. After all, someone has to. I could be a bus so in reality I’m saving them from themselves. No, I mean bumped off a flight.
If you fly often enough this is inevitable. Back in the prehistoric days when travellers were required to reconfirm flights at least 3 days before flying, this was a regular occurrence. Certainly it was for me. I’d do a week long trip that would involve maybe seven or eight flights. As if I’m going to be ringing China Airlines in Seoul to confirm I’ll be on the flight from Kaohsiung to Taipei on Thursday. Fortunately reconfirmation is no longer required so the possibility of being the bumpee is significantly reduced.
That’s not to say it doesn’t still happen. Consequently one needs an array of weapons in one’s armoury to counter this possibility and regain your seat. Where and when these weapons should be used is a matter of personal choice because circumstances change, obviously.
The least effective and least assertive is resigning yourself to joining the other poor saps on stand-by. I am aware of circumstances where rather unscrupulous travellers have pretended to be someone they know who is confirmed on the flight, ringing the airline and cancelling that person’s booking and thereby moving up the waitlist. If this manoeuvre can be combined with an agreement with the unscrupulous booking clerk to place you at the head of the waitlist prior to exercising said manoeuvre, all the better.
One of my favourites is “I have an international connection”. This has limited efficacy if you are flying into an airport with no international connections. Also, when stating this it is not necessary to go full indignation. That will come later in more suitable circumstances.
One I have used on a number of occasions is “I am a guest in your country” and at the same time trying to convey an air of superiority and importance. It helps to be wearing a suit and tie and have many old baggage tags stuck on your luggage. This doesn’t work in places like Australia or the UK where people who work in the service industries don’t know the difference between being a servant and offering a service. Any sort of air at all will immediately throw the check-in person on the defensive and you’re more likely to go on a no-fly list rather than get a seat on this particular flight. This theme will be revisited in the future when we discuss flight attendants across a range of airlines.
A variation on the above theme which can be quite effective is “I am a guest of your government”. This works particularly well in countries where governments have been known to be rather nasty to their citizenry on occasions. And if you’re selling coal like I was, to a government owned power utility or steel mill, it’s technically correct. In the places where this tactic has been known to work, it can be complemented by an appropriate dose of indignation.
If none of these have worked and the blood pressure is causing your ears to move in and out you still have a plethora of options, namely threats, lies and bribes.
“I’ll have your job” qualifies as a threat and a lie and only works in the most unique circumstances like when the airport manager is standing next to you. Frantic lies like dying relatives or multimillion dollar deals at stake only work in certain places if accompanied by an “incentive”….. so I’ve been told. Never seen it done though. Okay, I’ve seen it done on a train. You might “incentivise” the check in person to give you the “last remaining seat” which happens to be in first class. This is when you discover that some airlines number their seats differently as this particular first class seat is designated 47D and it’s the middle seat in the smoking section despite smoking having been banned many years before.
Notwithstanding all of the above a smile and patience work equally well.